What a Christian Husband’s LOVE Should Look Like - 1

The Love of the Christian Husband

Ephesians 5

July 8, 2018 AM

Pastor Craig Ledbetter

Bible Baptist Church, Ballincollig, Cork, Ireland



I.     Introduction (Nehemiah 4:10-14)


Be not ye afraid of them: remember the Lord, which is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your houses.”


A.   We Need to Fight FOR our families – not against them


1.    This year we are learning from a great book in the Bible called Nehemiah

2.    It is a personal record (like a journal) of what Nehemiah thought, felt and did as he led a few thousand families in a massive reconstruction project


a.     The Jews that had returned to the rubble of Jerusalem

b.    And has started to rebuild their capital city


3.    But they were surrounded and threatened by an enemy called the Samaritans


a.     Their lives were in constant danger

b.    They lived in the real fear of being killed


4.    Nehemiah knew that only strong, high walls would be able to keep back this enemy and enable the people to thrive once again – they could not just get along with them – they needed to keep them out of their homes and lives

5.    So they began to rebuilt the high broad walls of Jerusalem, block by block, gate by gate

6.    But that was not enough – until the walls were finished, they were vulnerable

7.    The enemy leaders, Sanballat and Tobiah and so many others often would just walk right into the rubble of the city and threaten all the people without warning

8.    So in chapter 4, Nehemiah armed all the people with handy weapons


a.     He knew that only weapons at the side of especially every DAD would discourage their enemies from attacking WHILE they were building their walls around Jerusalem

b.    What was Nehemiah doing? Teaching the parents, and especially the men and fathers to fight to protect their homes, and not ever lose them!


9.    Our enemy, Satan is against anything that God loves

10. And that includes every human family – no wonder the very ideal of a Christian home is under constant attack and mockery, and in distress

11. Too many homes / MOST families have been destroyed by Satan’s lies, and pressures, and temptations and sorrows

12. Our homes need saving Gentlemen!


B.   It Starts with Loving your Wife, Gentlemen


1.    Probably THE most important thing you need to do well


a.     NOT that you ignore loving your children

b.    But that you do THIS well, and most problems in a home will greatly improve!


2.    Men believe they do love their wives


a.     Example of the man and his wife at breakfast as he is reading the paper…

b.    Wife is crying, sobbing

c.     The husband doesn’t look up from his paper

d.    She says “You don’t love me!”

e.     He says (still looking at his paper) “Sure I do!”

f.     She says “No you don’t. We don’t talk, we don’t do anything. You just sit there and read the paper and then go sit in front of the TV. You never tell me you love me”

g.    He tilts his head over from behind the paper and announces “Dear. I told you I loved you 42 years ago when we got married, and if it ever changes, I’ll let you know!”

h.    And then her turned back to reading his paper!


3.    But we don’t – not like we should.


a.     Not like Christ loved his bride, the Christian body of believers called His Church!

b.    And not like our wives need us to


C.   Let’s take a good look at what the love of a Christian husband ought to look like, so that we not only can compare ourselves and see if we measure up, gentlemen, but also so that we know what areas we need to really work on


1.    The world says happiness is based upon how much love you can GET

2.    While Christ says AND proves that, happiness comes from how much love you can GIVE


D.   We KNOW our wives have some areas THEY need to work on

E.   We men have even MORE areas!


II.   Background - What a Christian Husband Is


A.   He IS a Man (Ephesians 5:21)


1.    I know there is a LOT of confusion out there as to what that means

2.    But a man is wired/designed differently - Men are DIFFERENT than women


a.     He looks different, smells different, walks different, shaves differently, thinks differently, talks differently, sleeps differently, works differently, plays rough, does riskier things (that’s why women usually live longer than men)

b.    Media for the past 50 years has been pushing this pipe-dream that men and women are the same – seriously… the same! Not just equal, but the same!


3.    Eleven big ways, men and women are completely different


a.     In physical strengths – that’s why transgender athletes WIN against women athletes

b.    In processing emotions

c.     In reproductive functions

d.    In personality – masculine and feminine

e.     In body shape

f.     In stamina and stress bearing

g.    In multitasking

h.    In Aggression - Men tend to express aggression physically, while women express it verbally.

i.      Cold Feet

j.      Loose Ligaments - Women have looser ligaments than men, which gives them a greater range of movement, and makes it easier to do things like the splits.

k.    Bigger Hearts - Men literally have bigger hearts than women. A female heart is about 2/3 the size of a man’s, and beats fewer times per minute.


4.    Men are by design, different than women

5.    That does NOT mean men are superior than women, but they are DIFFERENT

6.    We HAVE to start there!


B.   He is a Christian (Colossians 1:12-14)


1.    Not religious, educated, wealthy, strong, great, or good looking

2.    A Christian husband has been saved by the grace of God

3.    Knows that he is a wicked, lost sinner, headed for hell, and has believed in Jesus as his only Saviour from sin and death and hell!

4.    He is not a perfect man, but he IS a new man, living in the kingdom of God, learning to trust God for everything

5.    And patterning his life to be like the life of Jesus

6.    That’s is a Christian


C.   The Husband IS Head of your home – that’s what he IS – by God’s design (5:23,24)


1.    Unless you want to argue and fight for the rest of your life!

2.    That is if you have and want a CHRISTIAN home

3.    The world says any kind of home will do where whoever is strongest is in charge


a.     In some homes, that means the children reign

b.    In some homes, that means angry Momma is in charge

c.     And in some homes, bully dad is in charge


4.    But the truth is, every child needs a Biblical home with Dad as the head of the home.

5.    Every wife needs a Biblical kind of husband (not just a guy who sits on the couch, but leads by example and by personal sacrifice).

6.    Your family CAN survive without a Mom, or a Dad, or children, because God can make up for a lot of failures, and for a lot of holes - but that is not how it works best!


D.   The Husband IS Responsible for a lot


1.    Protecting everyone in your home – that’s the job of the Dad

2.    Providing (1Tim 5:8) for everyone’s needs

3.    Punishing / Correcting / Chastising wrongdoing in your home. Heb 12:9  Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 

4.    Patterning – Leading the home as the example for everyone to follow. Eph 6:4  And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

5.    He is responsible for LOVING everyone in the home, especially his wife!  Eph 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. Not leaving all the gushy mushy stuff to the wife


E.   He is in Need of You as his Wife (Genesis 2:18; 1Cor 7:1,2)


1.    A Christian husband is basically nobody without you ladies

2.    You are so needed by your husband, even when he doesn’t think you are

3.    We men really fall apart without our wives – we may not let on, but we are miserable, and worthless without the gift that God gave us in our wives


III.     Preview - What a Husband’s Love Should Look Like


A.   A Result of Being Spirit Filled

B.   Submitted / Yielded to God and Others

C.   Sacrifices Ourselves

D.   Sanctifies Our Wife and Family

E.   Satisfies Our Wife

F.    Is Sorry for Failures

G.   Is Steadfast and Consistent


IV.Message – What a Husband’s Love Should Look Like (Ephesians 5)


A.   A Husband’s Love is a Result of Being Spirit Filled (5:18; Gal 5:22)


1.    A Christian man is NOT just one who is saved – believes in Jesus’s death, burial and resurrection in their place - but someone who is controlled by the Holy Spirit of God!


a.     We men forget this

b.    We try everything else to fix things in our homes, besides trying to get right with God, and be open to His holy Spirit working in our hearts and thinking


2.    But FILLED with the Holy Spirit of God


a.     Gentlemen, you NEED to be filled with the Holy Spirit instead of:


1)    Filled with Drink – like too many married men turn to a can or bottle instead of God when they have problems at home

2)    Sports – wrapped up in in it like an addict sometimes instead of their home

3)    Work and Career


b.    Jesus places in every believer HIMSELF in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:17  Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.


1)    He does not seek to just live in a tiny little corner of your life and schedule

2)    But to fill every hour of every day and even every thought with His presence


c.     Now… You may not be able to be at church every Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday and Saturday soul-winning…

d.    But you DO HAVE to walk with God and daily be submitted to the work of the Holy Spirit in you

e.     And don’t try and fake it – everyone will know when you are full of yourself, or full of the Holy Spirit! AMEN!


3.    Do you want to truly know how to love your wife?


a.    LET the love of Christ for YOU MEN, affect you enough to love your wife like YOU should

b.    Start letting the Spirit of God mould and change your heart and mind into Christ’s

c.     Start reading through your Bible like you were on the greatest quest of all time – for the power to live godly!

d.    Filled with the Spirit does NOT mean speaking in tongues, or barking like a dog

e.     It means living and loving and giving like Christ did

f.     It means being perfectly controlled by the Spirit of God like you control a drone


4.    Ladies – you need to pray and pray and pray for your man to be in church and be in his Bible every day, and to yield constantly to the Holy Spirit of God – it is the only key to a better man


a.     Not your nagging, pushing, fighting, arguing, nagging, reminding, nagging

b.    Ladies, YOU need the Holy Spirit of God in your husband, filling him with the mind and heart of Christ

c.     There is no other way for any man to really change for the better

d.    Not just saved, but


1)    Walking in the Spirit

2)    Yielded to the quiet Spirit of God

3)    Convicted and guided by the Spirit

4)    Transformed by the Holy Spirit


5.    God’s Spirit is the Source of a man’s best love – not you, or the preacher


B.   A Husband’s Love Submits to God and Others (5:21) – doesn’t lord over everyone


1.    A Bible believing, born again Christian husband is subject to two great powers over their life


a.     The Lordship of Jesus Christ

b.    And the Needs of your Family

c.     Those two great powers govern your life now gentlemen! Or at least they should!

d.    You are not your own boss anymore – you do not have the power to just do as YOU please – NOT if you are married!


2.    A Christian Man is Subject to Jesus Christ (1Cor 11:3) – under Christ’s rule


a.     That means


1)    Subject to / obedient to Christ’s commands – HIS laws, His rules, His expectations of you

2)    Do whatever GOD says to do in this book no matter how hard and how long it takes

3)    Christ expects us as husbands to obey this Book – all of it – not picking and choosing, but yielding to all of them like a DRIVER agrees to and goes along with ALL the RULES of the Road!


b.    The only way to love your wife right gentlemen is to love her out of obedience to Christ - because Christ told you to – full stop!


1)    Not because she just gets prettier and prettier

2)    Not because she never crosses you or aggravates you

3)    But because she is God’s gift to you, and JESUS told you to love her


c.     You see, we men were REAL sweet at first, and honoured the woman we were engaged to – do you remember…


1)    Opening the door for her?

2)    Carrying the heavy things for her

3)    Sitting and listening to her for hours over coffee as she talked about anything she wanted to

4)    Paying for every dinner

5)    Doing whatever SHE wanted to do and going wherever she wanted to go on the date

6)    You did all that because you knew it was the right and good thing to do

7)    You were subject to a basic law of attraction


d.    And then we got married – and it quickly faded and then stopped completely


1)    And you went back to being pretty selfish, and a jerk, and not subject to anything but your belly (Philp 3:18,19) “(For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ: Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.)

2)    Gentlemen… that’s of the devil.


e.     That woman you are married to, married the man you WERE! Make sure that man is getting BETTER and more godly, not more selfish and more worldly!

f.     The biggest reason why people divorce is because someone decides NOT to rebel against their spouse, but because they decide to rebel against God and only think of themselves again!


3.    Subject to the Needs of Your Family (5:21) – especially your wife


a.     This does NOT mean that a man is to be dominated by his wife or his children

b.    But that he is subject to their needs

c.     Love is a choice – to serve your wife – to meet her needs and not just yours


1)    I know you married your wife believing in all the wonderful things SHE would do for you

2)    But true love serves the person you love

3)    Hmmmm. So I guess most men ONLY love themselves!!! Because that is the only person they are willing to serve!

4)    Shame on us!


d.    A Christian husband is actively involved in the life and problems of his family – not leaving it all to the wife and to the mother-in-law


1)    You are probably good at taking care of the physical needs of your wife

2)    But what about the Emotional needs?


a)    Do you take your daughters out on dates and get to know them? You should

b)    Do you even know if they are struggling with their view of themselves

c)    Or if they are interested in guys yet?

d)    Does your wife know that you care about how she FEELS? Really cares?

e)    Do you make time just for HER?

f)     That’s one of the ways to love your wife – learning about THEM!


3)    AND are you involved spiritually in their lives?


a)    Are you even aware if your children are saved or not?

b)    Do you know if they have read any of their Bible in the last month outside of church or teen class?

c)    Do YOU read the Bible with your children?

d)    Do you pray with them – asking them to pray with you?

e)    Do you carry their burdens and hurts to God, and intercede for them before God’s throne?

f)     Does your wife ever see you pray without her prodding?

g)    Does she know you walk with God?


4)    Does she know that when she has a real need, you will stop at nothing until you meet that need?


4.    Wow! That would make a great home, don’t you think?

5.    But you won’t be able to do most of that unless you learn to sacrifice YOUR time, YOUR plans, YOUR career, for THEM!


V.   Conclusion


A.   We have only learned about TWO ways that a Christian Husband loves his wife from Ephesians 5


1.    As a Result of Being Spirit Filled – the source of our ability to love them

2.    As Submitted / Yielded first to God and also to your Wife’s Needs


B.   How does YOUR love look?

C.   This message is supposed to get us all to Fight FOR our family – not against them


1.    Men… would you like your wife to follow and obey you as the church follows and obeys Jesus Christ? Then have the same care and sacrificial love for YOUR wife like Jesus cares for us!

2.    Ladies… would you like your man to love you sacrificially like Jesus Christ loves you and died to obtain you? Then have the same respect for him as you do Jesus!

3.    When you put both of those attitudes together in a home, the results are marvellous!

4.    They just work!

5.    And do you know what? The results do not need the other person to do anything – because the commandment is directed at each of YOU independent of the other.


D.   So, Love your wife gentlemen – whether she submits to you at all or not

E.   Ladies, let me remind YOU to reverence your husband (5:33), whether or not he is worthy of such respect

F.    I know most of you will not even try any of this.


1.    Just too stubborn, hard-headed, arrogant, carnal, heartless

2.    We are such foolish men to demand of our wives what we will not do for Christ!


G.   But don’t you think we SHOULD?


1.    We need revival in OUR hearts gentlemen – a change in us that drives us to actually love our wives like Christ loved us

2.    It won’t happen without MEN getting saved, and then getting filled with the Holy Spirit of God

3.    Are YOU born again gentlemen? Do you even know what that means?

4.    Are you FILLED or at least SEEKING to be filled with the Spirit of God?

5.    It will show by your efforts to read through your Bible, day after day, and pray with a prayer list for your wife and family, and pastor and church and all the people who do not know Christ!

6.    And it will show on the face of your wife – if you really love her!